What's for Dinner

A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife.

He said to the doctor, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.

He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply.

He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replied, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Don't Panic, Organize!

Goldfish Passing

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fricking cat."

Nice Taxi

Car Accident

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed. There’s no sign of the offending vehicle, but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under the windshield wiper. The lawyer picks up the note and reads: “Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not.”

Dead Terrorist

Deer Hunting

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, “Did you see that?” The second guy says, “No.” “A bald eagle just flew overhead.” “Oh.” A couple of minutes later the first guy says, “Did you see that?” “No.” “There was a black bear walking on that hill over there.” “Oh.” A few minutes later the first guy says, “Did you see that?” The second guy, getting aggravated, says, “Yes, I did!” The first guy then says, “Then why did you step in it?”

Camel Parking

Diamond Ring

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles.” “She did,” he replied. “But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?”

Uninvolved in Africa

Frozen People

Avid Golfer

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”

Seven-Hundred-Ten

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, “What is a seven-hundred-ten?” She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I have lost it and need a new one.” She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked, “Is there a 710 on this car?” She pointed and said, “Of course, it’s right there.”

If you’re not sure what a 710 is:

Bollards Attack

Concerned Husband

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”. Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

Skateboarding Dog

Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Hide and Seek

Vacuum Salesman

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

100 Years Old

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied. "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"